Venomous snake preying on defenseless mouse.

Bella Morte "Find Forever Gone"

I had no idea this was going​ up today​,​ but my lates​t direc​toria​l effor​t is now onlin​e!​ This is the music​ video​ for "​Find Forev​er Gone"​ by Bella​ Morte​ off their​ new album,​ Beaut​iful Death,​ which drops​ this comin​g Tuesd​ay.​.​.​


Happy October!

white guy vs black guy

A lot of people have asked me for details of the fight in A New Low, the one in which an afro'd black male smashes some white boyz head into a parked car...

Who was it?
What happened?
When was this?
Where was this?
Why were they fighting?

Honestly, I don't know all the details myself. I was at a "Fuck Those Dudes" anti-X Games party in Philly. People were drunk, and those two people decided to go outside and bleed on each other. That's all I know.

Typically, this is where the concerned inquiry shifts from "who, what, when, where and why??" to "wait...'anti-X Games'?? I thought you were a skateboarder??" This is always difficult for me to explain without going on a cynical tangent, or lecturing them on why it upsets me to see shitty corporations urinating logos all over something that I truly love.

...luckily, I no longer have to. Dave Carnie just posted an article on Jackass World that he'd originally written for Big Brother in 2002, explaining (in greater detail than I could ever give) why the X Games suck, the story behind "Fuck Those Dudes," the event itself...and even makes a brief mention of (but offers no further insight on) the same fight so many of you have seen in A New Low.

It's a good read, quite funny and has a fine assortment of Carnie-isms...particularly "switch-rad," which I'm surprised never caught on, and consequently, I'm stealing for my own use. Fuck that dude.

http://www.jackassworld.com/blog/2008/08/01/xgames-fuck-those-dudes

a light at the end of every flesh tunnel

Have you ever had one of those farts that ripple up your buttcrack and erupt from its crest--instead of just spilling from the designated hole? I had one while I was eating my cereal this morning. My posture wasn't quite 90 degrees and I may have been favoring the left hemassphere, so I figured I was just sitting wrong...

...and then it happened again at work. While I was standing.

I'm pretty sure my cheeks are in top condition and I haven't been inserting many foreign objects into my diarrhea faucet in recent weeks...so I have no idea what's causing this phenomenon.

Part of me finds this amusing...but a greater part of me fears the formation of an odorous brown patch on my lower back.

The solution?

I've invested in an economy pack of cotton balls to stuff along my crack, held in place only by the sticky perspiration naturally found within that region after a morning jog.

However, fearing the powerful gust may prove too much for a mere cotton barricade, I've also invested in a "picnic pack" of bendy straws that I'm hoping I can rig into an elaborate fart rerouting system. I'll tape them together, creating a "gas line," if you will, that would start at the northernmost ridge of my ass, sending the farts up my spinal column, over my right shoulder, down my arm and out the sleeve of my jacket.

Not only would I thwart an unwanted scented "tramp stamp," this method would also give the illusion that I have magical powers--such as a sprinkling of foul fairy dust from my fingertips, or bolts of rancid heat from my palms. Whenever I feel gaseous, I'll shake the hand of a coworker, pinch the cheeks of a baby or fingerbang a bedridden elderly woman against her will.

You see, folks...when nature fucks with you, you need to take a deep breath and compose yourself. With a clear head you can turn any negative into a positive, just ask those silly H.I.V. fanatics.

Episode #10

This week an array of special guests join Taem Jones and Eric Thomas Craven via satellite, as the debate heats up over Cardinal McPizza downplaying Vatican direction on communion. Robert Lavarnway, a pro-abortion politician, who was refused communion after failure to alter his stance on the issue, also guests on the show in his first interview since the incident. Celestial harp accompaniment provided by classical Ukrainian quintet, WHORE'S BLOOD.

Recorded on June 5, 2007.